I was just up in my tree, keeping watch when I heard a noise. It was a Silver Parachute gently falling down to me, so I reached out and grabbed it. As soon as I opened it I almost fell out of the tree in excitement, it was a camera that I would use to record a video and send it to my little sister Rose. Rose is the most important person to me, she is so kind and was the only reason I didn’t kill the children who bullied me. Now, I can tell Rose how proud I am to be her sister and that she is the best friend I could ask for
This was short and sweet, but I think you did a little bit of announcing. You could have described the tree and the parachute instead of just announcing that they are there. Other than that, this was pretty good, but I think you could have done better.
I really liked your silver parachute message! I thought you made it really heartfelt. The only thing I would say for improvement, would be to proofread before you post. There was no period after the last sentence, but that could have just been because of the video. Other then that, you did a great job!
I like it! It was very heartfelt and I could feel your pain. I loved the deep look into your life. Work it!