I sat in my monitoring room observing all the chaos I created. Last time the person who decides when I make a new obstacle, catastrophe or predator told me to make something I decided on a tsunami. Now a day had passed and the arena had not fully returned to its normal state. The once lush trees on the beaches were now crushed and lifeless, there was debris scattered everywhere and the ground was visibly soaked. I decided to turn up the heat to ninety eight degrees and move all the grey storm clouds from blocking the sun. Then my event instructor came in and said that it was time to release a new predator hybrid into the games to kill off more tributes. I stared at my computer and searched through my files until I got to a folder labeled tropical predators. My computer screen popped up a file filled with names of exotic beasts. I read through countless pages of animals and was not finding the animal that I was looking for.
Eyelash Vipers are too destructive, Bushmasters are too vicious, Coral Snakes are too obvious, Spectacled Caiman are not effective enough, Ocelots would rival the leopards. I read through countless pages of these until I finally found something perfect to release. Poison Dart Frogs popped up onto my screen and I knew that this was what I was going to use. They were the best thing, not too noticeable, very deadly, very effective and perfect to cause drawn out dramatic deaths. I hit a number of buttons on my computer and set a whole group of frogs to terrorize the tributes. I see one hop onto a large green leaf near a sleeping tributes head. The colorful frog hops onto the tributes face, and they wake screaming murder. I watch happily as I watched their shrieks ebb away to silent cries. The tribute collapses and starts emptying the contents of her stomach until she dies surrounded by her own vomit. I see her companion stirring next to her and screaming in sorrow. She started sobbing in agony as she hunched over the body of her poor slain friend. For the first time in this game I felt a pang of sadness. Watching this tribute cry of loss made me feel an overwhelming guilt weighing my heart down, making my stomach fill with butterflies. I started wondering if this really was right, but then my common sense smacked me with logic. “It is either them, or me.” I whispered to myself, half trying to convince myself that it was ok to kill and half trying to stay alive.
I loved how you wrote this piece! I thought the way you included all the animals you were considering was great, it showed that you put a lot of work and effort in this piece. As always, you had great description words and I loved reading this!
This was a very good piece. I loved the powerful use of words and your great descriptions. Good job with giving a look inside your thoughts. You really kept in engaged throughout. One sentence that I believe is lacking some use of punctuation was, ” Last time the person who decides when I make a new obstacle, catastrophe or predator told me to make something I decided on a tsunami.” I think that the catastrophe or predator part should be taken out because the sentence runs on. The only other thing that I was confused on was when you said that the frog jumped on the tributes head and she screamed murder. I’ve heard screamed bloody murder but screamed murder sounds like she is screaming the word murder. Otherwise, beautiful job. Work it Jasmine!!
This was great! I loved the part where your character was searching for the perfect animal, although you said “popped up” twice in a few sentences. Also, in this sentence, “I watch happily as I watched their shrieks ebb away to silent cries.” you said watch twice. I think that those two mistakes that I just mentioned could be fixed easily when this piece is proofread, and make it a lot more joyful for the reader to read. Other than that, this was great to read! Can’t wait to hear what happens next!