I watched my TV with great sorrow as I watched my favorite tribute become covered in poison dart frogs and suffer a slow agonizing death. I suddenly realized that the only remaining tribute that I liked was Queen B. I thought a long time about my favorite tributes dying one by one, Juniper Stowe and my older sister Jasmine Benton. I was so happy when I received the Silver Parachute from her; it is the most precious thing to me now since she is gone. I suddenly got the idea of sending Queen B a Silver Parachute filled with food and anti-venom, which would give her the same joy I got. It would help her with the frogs and make her able to stay out of sight by hunting or scavenging. I paced eagerly over to my kitchen and raided my cabinets and found an assortment of dried goods. I packed them into a rusty bucket and headed out from my house and down to the tattered fence.
Once I was near the fence I crept under a small hole that Jasmine dug and ran off into the thick forest of ancient trees. I kept going until I reached a small clearing with a small hut of wood concealed by tall trees. I went inside the hut to find many dried herbs and old journals on weak wooden shelves. All my sisters work, right here in this cabin. This is what she was good for, so I will continue her work. I opened up an old book with a torn cover and skimmed through dirty pages until I came to a page with anti-venom formulas on it. “Perfect.” I mumbled to myself.
After an hour in the hut I came out with a small canister of a foul smelling gelatinous liquid. I scurried into town and went to the city hall. I knocked on the weak wooden door and the mayor came out and asked me in a scratchy cigarette stained voice what I wanted. I explained my plan to him and he took my parachute inside and sent it to the Capital on the next train. Later I was on the dirty wooden floor of my house and saw Queen B receive my package. She was brimming with happiness and I saw her take out a good and eat one salted piece of meat. “Thank you Rose Benton,” She said. “Bless you and your sister.” Back at home I was sobbing just thinking about Jasmine, and I raised my hand and swore that I would do something to continue her.
I continue to be amazed with your posts, there was no flaws in it! Great job with your description and showing not telling. I loved the description in the sentence “After an hour in the hut I came out with a small canister of a foul smelling gelatinous liquid.” Great job, Jessica!
I think you were a little wordy in some sentences, but more than that, I noticed that you repeated many words such as wooded, watched, and I. Your writing piece would be much better if you proofread and noticed that there were many words repeated. My favorite sentence would have to be, “After an hour in the hut I came out with a small canister of a foul smelling gelatinous liquid.” One more thing that is a small mistake is in the last sentence, I was confused with the wording. But other than that, this was great!
I Love It! Great job Jessica! I loved your descriptions and details and it was so sweet that you wrote about me. One tiny thing that could be fixed would be the first sentence. The become could be grammatically incorrect. Other than that, it was great. Work it!!