As I slowly joined the nervous crowd, I could feel an uneasy tension between everyone. No one was talking; everyone’s eyes were locked on the stage like it affected life or death, because it did. Happily Harper Hayes, the lady who announced the tributes came on stage. She just cheerfully gave the longest, most boring speech that everyone knew. During this time I could feel my stomach in knots, I felt sick, I closed my eyes and let the pounding headache sink in, and started to feel my consciousness fading.
Just before I almost fell, the boy next to me quickly grabbed onto my pale arm and held me up. I thanked him with my remaining strength, and straightened up. Finally Harper stopped chattering, and the wave of panic crashed down upon me again.
Harper announced that she was selecting a boy first, and I felt slightly relieved. Harper reached her slender arm down the clear, glass bowl filled with names, and pulled up a small piece of white paper.
A boy named Richard was called. I saw him nervously walk up to the stage and shake hands with Harper. I felt a wave of short lived joy that the boy next to me was not called, even though we were strangers, he showed kindness to me like no one else had before. It was an unspoken friendship forming, and I was happy for the first time. But my happiness was short lived.
The girls were all shifting nervously and tensing their muscles as they waited anxiously to see who would be called. I was sweating like a dog in June and the boy next to me shifted nervously, he was also afraid that I’d be called. Harper spoke in a crisp, clear voice as she announced the girl,
“Jasmine Benton”
My heart sank, tears welded up into my eyes, and the boy next to me let out a quiet “No.” I walked slowly up to the stage like I was at a funeral, my funeral. Harper smiled creepily happy as I walked to the stage.
I saw my vision blurring with tears and my knees trembled, Harper looked at me and asked if I was ok. She held up a mirror to me and I saw how ghostly white I was. I nodded and shook hands with Richard, and saw how nervous he was too.
Harper cheerfully ended the ceremony and walked away with us, I could hear my heart pounding out of my chest as I walked away and feared what was going to happen next.
Some sentences were unclear or contradictory. This one here –> “No one was talking; everyone’s eyes were locked on the stage like it affected life or death, because it did.” was not a very well worded sentence: It suggests at first that the hunger games DON’T affect life or death, until it says they do… can you understand why that’s confusing? Lastly, the instructions said 2-3 paragraphs, you had 8 (short) paragraphs. I liked how it fit into the Hunger Games Mythos, but it was in need of a proofread.
I thought this paragraph was extremely well written besides a few minor details. “My heart sank, tears welded up into my eyes, and the boy next to me let out a quiet “No.” I walked slowly up to the stage like I was at a funeral, my funeral. Harper smiled creepily happy as I walked to the stage.” That one paragraph stood out to me as the one that needed the most editing. Saying walked to the stage twice seemed a bit redundant and creepily happily is not correct grammer yet overall very well written 8.5/10
For the most part I really liked it. You could have been more clear with your sentences. Also your piece was 8 shorter paragraphs when the directions stated that it was only supposed to be 2-3. Other than those corrections I thought the piece was very good and used very vivid details.